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Dealing with behaviors: ANGER
Managing Anger – Understanding the Dynamics of Violence, Abuse, and Control
What is anger?
Anger is one of the most important human emotions and part of the basic fight or flight survival response. It is with us from birth to death and can be an asset or a liability, depending how we use it. Anger can be expressed in the form of crying, teasing, yelling, sarcasm, attack, depression, violence, suicide, pouting, silence, aggression, and violence. When we cannot get what we want, when we are frustrated, or our desires are not fulfilled, and when we are assaulted, we become angry. Anger helps us survive assaults, correct injustices, grow, be independent, and establish better values.
Six ingredients of anger management
Managing anger is no simple matter. It is a powerful emotion and our patterns of relationships that involve anger, which are established in childhood, are difficult to change.
The following list offers suggestions for some ways to manage your anger:
1. Understand what anger is
2. Develop and awareness and acceptance of your own anger
3. Recognize your anger patterns
4. Express your anger appropriately - be assertive
5. Learn and practice good communication
6. Respect yourself and others
Five sources of anger
1. Safety and Well-Being - Fear for your own or someone else’s safety, either real or imagined.
2. Power - Loss or threat to your power and control
3. Perfection and Pride - When someone or something implies you or one of your family are not good enough.
4. Self-Esteem, Feeling Important
5. Status - When someone or something puts you down and makes you feel unimportant.
Uncontrolled Anger Sequence
Everybody experiences their own anger in unique, individual ways but it is possible to identify some common features in the pattern of uncontrolled anger.
1. TRIGGERS: Something unpleasant happens, our buttons are pushed.
2. THOUGHTS: We evaluate others’ behavior, we think about what happened. Jerk! Unfair! Terrible! Awful! They shouldn’t do that!
3. FEELINGS: We respond emotionally to our thoughts and evaluations. Hurt! Scared! Outraged! Attacked! Hopeless!
4. BEHAVIORS: We act out our feelings. Run! Withdraw! Cry! Fight! Attack! Revenge!
5. CONSEQUENCES: The consequences of our acting out can escalate our anger and the cycle continues.
Your Own Anger Pattern
To understand your own anger pattern take a piece of paper and spend some time answering these questions:
• Who or what makes you angry?
• When do you get angry?
• What do you do about it?
• Where do you feel angry most often?
• Do you stay angry for a long time? How long do you remain upset?
• How does the anger end?
• Does anyone or anything help to stop you being angry?
• How effective is your anger in getting you what you want?
Passive, Assertive, and Aggressive behavior
Anger is a natural human emotion and as such is neither good nor bad. Problems arise, however, around the appropriate or inappropriate expression of anger. The ideal is to aim at assertive behavior and to avoid passive or aggressive expression of anger. Assertive behavior is the most likely to get needs met.
ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR
• Expresses feelings and opinions honestly and directly
• Stands up for one’s rights
• Expresses respect for others and is aware of other people’s needs
• Makes her/his own choices
• Feels good about self, and has appropriate confidence in self
• Takes the initiative in personal encounters
• Takes responsibility for his/her actions
PASSIVE BEHAVIOR
• Does not state thoughts and feelings truly and directly
• Apologetic
• Gives in to requests and demands of others
• Allows others to make decisions for her/him
• Discounts her/his own worth
• Feels frustrated, unhappy, hurt, and anxious as a consequence of her/his behavior
• Has rights violated, and is taken advantage of
AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
• - Inappropriately expresses feelings and opinions
• Demanding, confrontive, hostile, sarcastic, and blaming
• Discounts others by not respecting their rights
• Takes advantage of others
• Makes decisions for self and others
• Achieves goals at the expense of others
• Does not take responsibility for her/his behavior
Respect for yourself and others
Angry interactions can be avoided if we respect the basic rights of individuals to determine how they wish to live their lives. The following list is a collection of your legitimate rights. It is also a collection of the rights of any human being, including your children and your parents.
• I have the right to put myself first sometimes
• I have the right to make mistakes
• I have the right to have my feelings and to accept them as real
• I have the right to my opinions and values
• I have the right to change my mind
• I have the right to protest inappropriate treatment or hostile feedback
• I have the right to ask for clarification
• I have the right to be diplomatic to achieve change
• I have the right to ask for help or emotional support
• I have the right to feel and to appropriately express my feelings
• I have the right to decide against taking another’s advice
• I have the right to say no
• I have the right to be alone
• I have the right not to say anything about my behavior
• I have the right not to take responsibility for others’ problems
• I have the right not to have to anticipate others’ needs and wishes
• I have the right not always to worry about the welfare of others