On the surface, codependency messages sound like Christian teaching—
“Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.” (Aren’t Christians to put others first?)
“Codependents give themselves away.” (Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)
“Codependents martyr themselves.” (Christianity honors its martyrs.)
Those statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy.
Codependency says:
• I have little or no value
• Other persons and situations have all the value
• I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values
• I am to place myself to be used by others without protest
• I must give myself away
• If I claim any rights for myself I am selfish
Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than. A love of self forms the basis for loving others. The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms.
Motivation differs. Does the individual give his service and himself out to free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “please people”? Does he act out of guilt or fear? Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve this own goals).
• Service is to be an active choice. The person acts; codependents react.
• Codependent’s behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Addictions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their own life.