Personal Impact of Grief
The grief experience impacts all aspects of the being of the individual. The manifestations listed are more intensified when there has been a sudden, unanticipated death. With the intensification, the period of time to process the reactions will often be longer. It is important to remember there is no timetable for processing. Grief reconciliation depends on many other factors confronting the individual in his/her life. People are not only grieving, they are also participating in life and those stressors will affect the journey of adaptation.
An individual may not experience all reactions that are listed. Reactions may change over time. What needs to be noted is that the reactions FOLLOW the loss event; it is then that a grief reaction is considered.
Physical Reactions
As part of the individual’s way of handling the stress and anxiety of his/her loss experience, the following are possible physical reactions.
Changes in appetite:
• Overeating; binge eating
• Under-eating; loss of appetite
Sleep disturbances:
• Oversleeping; difficulty falling asleep and awakening; inability to get started/ motivated for another day
• Under-sleeping; nightmares, loss-centered dreaming; interrupted sleep
Exaggeration of other physical situations:
• Blood pressure, diabetes, allergies, digestive and stomach problems, headaches/migraines
Note: All are often triggered by poor eating and sleeping habits, thereby affecting the immune system and the body’s ability to maintain a healthy balance.
Behavioral Reactions
Because the loss event changes the individual, behaviors, whether while alone or in social settings, also reflect the change the individual is experiencing.
• Aggressive behaviors: volume/tone in speaking; irritability; tension
• Withdrawn/passive behaviors: very quiet and introverted; short answers; limited conversation; feels unworthy of happiness
• Self-doubt increases: needs much reassurance; decisions are difficult, indifference/ apathy may follow; meaninglessness; not wanting to initiate activities or leave home
• Reckless or self-destructive behaviors:
? Alcohol use/abuse: often to numb feelings
? Drug use/abuse: to numb and escape the emotional reactions
? Sexual promiscuity: to seek comfort; or to “dare” something to happen to me – such as AIDS.
? Reckless driving or other behaviors to challenge fate/the world
• Hyperactivity: excessive energy to act out the stress/anxiety
? Cleaning
? Attention-getting
? Working
? Shopping/Spending
? Talking
? Home fix-it projects
? Shopping
? Excessive organizing
Cognitive Reactions
Reduced attention span: inability to follow a conversation, to read and to stay focused; this affects many on the job regarding performance; forgetfulness.
• Loss-centered thinking: focus of much of the individual’s thought process to the point of obsessiveness
• Impaired self esteem
• Idealization of the past, of the future and of the individual and the relationship lost
• Exaggerations in magical thinking (I made it happen)
Emotional Reactions
Self blame and guilt: “I could have..,” “I shouldn’t have…,” “If only…,” “Why didn’t I…” Fears: of getting through each day; of being alone; of being a single parent; “What will I do now?”; “Will God punish me too?”; of the dark; of new places and of old favorite places; of social settings; of making the right decision(s).
• Helplessness/Hopelessness
• Anger: at life’s situation, at God, at unfairness, at the one who died, at others for being happy.
• Yearning/desiring the lost loved one and the world that was.
• Withdrawn; not sharing feelings with others because they don’t understand or “get it,” not able to give emotionally to others—even family members.
• Anxiety: all of the above create an accumulation of general anxiety for many grieving individuals. Trying to handle life in a new fashion means creating a new “normal.” This is all transition and for many that means anxiety until it becomes the “new” acceptable way of life.
Spiritual/Philosophical Reactions
Whatever one’s belief system there may be challenges to that system. What was believed often comes into question and is examined in light of the loss and goes through its own change— strengthened or weakened—but changed. This is part of the process of grief and adaptation to the loss.
• Those with a belief in God may question: why God didn’t intervene, why did God let this happen, where is God in their paining/adjusting experience.
• Various questioning about God and one’s anger towards Him, often creates guilt for the individual to work through.
The experience of grief and the mourning process involves many changes in the life of the individual. It is a period of ADAPTATION and TRANSITIONS in all aspects of the individual’s life. Therefore, it is the WHOLE PERSON that faces this forced change. Individuals seek support and encouragement as they find their way through this maze. Adapting takes as long at it needs to take. An individual’s circumstances in life, coping mechanisms, and spiritual/philosophical beliefs will all contribute to the outcome.
Learning to accept that we do NOT get over a loss, but learn to live with the loss experience, can assist individuals in accepting their grief response as a JOURNEY—as a part of their own life experience—and not see this merely as tasks to be accomplished to “get better.” The loss experience is part of the individual’s life journey in all aspects listed above—physical, behavioral, cognitive, emotional and spiritual.