by Theresa McKenna
Being a single parent takes all of the wisdom of Solomon and most of us gain a little bit of wisdom only after a long time. We all make mistakes. Some of our mistakes do more damage than others. But if there is a list of the worst mistakes that single parents make, these would probably be the top five.
1. Blame the other parent within earshot of the children. Children inherently know that they are the product of both parents. When they hear one parent blame the other or spew hatred for the other, children internalize that within themselves. They think, “I’m a lot like dad. Mom must hate me too!??? No amount of telling your children that you love them can overcome the unspoken message they hear when you express how much you blame or hate their other parent.
2. Dating too soon. When one parent leaves the household, children perceive they have been abandoned. They become fearful for themselves and their family. If the other parent begins dating before the family has stabilized (which usually takes about three years), children consider that they are not a priority. Although they are rarely able to verbalize it, many children sense a double abandonment. Ultimately, they become suspicious of relationships and anticipate a lack of commitment.
3. Moving – from home and schools. School counselors know that trouble is ahead when they see single-parent families moving in the midst of a crisis. Multiple losses cause depression in adults; but for children, who have no control over their situation, loss of a neighborhood and school community on top of the loss of a parent spell disaster. Children end up hopeless, unmotivated, isolated, and too frequently, drop out of school. Do everything you possibly can to stay in the same house or the same neighborhood and the same schools.
4. Expecting children to carry the extra physical and emotional load. Asking a daughter to “be a mom for your brothers and sisters??? or asking a young boy to “be the man of the house??? sets a child up for an assignment for which he/she is too immature. Failure, which will surely occur, will deepen the loss of self-esteem and will create an unhealthy relationship between parent and the child of opposite gender. Resist making your child a surrogate spouse. As adults, it is our responsibility to handle the parenting. Children need to be children and to process through childhood appropriately.
5. Making children a pawn in custody/child support battles. Tying visitation to payment of child support may seem reasonable to an angry and financially strapped parent. However, it is illegal as well as extremely damaging to the children who begin to see themselves as simply a source of income. Of course it is unfair that one parent may get away without supporting his/her children; but it is not fair to make the children pay the price in lost relationship. Child support is an adult issue. Seeing mom or dad is all a child should have to care about. As children become older, they will inherently understand who has made the sacrifices for their well-being and no amount of money will change that.
“You parents, again, must not goad your children to resentment, but give them the instruction, and the correction, which belong to a Christian upbringing.??? (Ephesians 6:4. New English Bible)